A Question Of Safety
by Amberssister
Summary: Set post Cyberwoman. Jack pays Ianto a visit, bringing with him an ultimatum. Please R&R.


**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR S1, LANGUAGE.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TORCHWOOD. ALL RIGHTS BELONG TO BBC AND RTD.**

xxXXxx

Ianto buried his head under the pillow and tried to drown the pounding out. It had been a long day, the worst day he'd ever suffered. Once upon a time, he'd thought nothing could be worse than Canary Wharf, but here it was. This was the day that was never supposed to happen, the day that made hell look like a holiday. The insistent knocking continued, and Ianto ripped the pillow off and threw it at the wall. They should just leave him alone, they should just let him grieve, but it was obvious they weren't going to. It was obvious why they were here. The only question was how it would be done. Would he be given the pill and forced to take it with a gun to his head, or would the Retcon be slipped into something from the cabinets? Probably the first way, but Ianto hoped not. He'd had enough guns to his head tonight.

He climbed out of bed and stormed towards the door of his flat. They could have waited until tomorrow, so he had one last night to remember Lisa. He knew that once he'd been Retconned all of his memories of her would be gone, and that wasn't fair. There was always the chance they were here to make good on Jack's promise to execute him, and part of Ianto hoped that was true. Part of him would rather die than be made to forget.

Ianto slammed the door open, and he was surprised to see it was only Jack waiting. He'd assumed it would be all of them, in case he fought and needed to be subdued. He braced himself in the doorway, barring entry.

"If you've come to Retcon me, just give me the pill, I won't fight you. Or, you could just kill me. We might both find that more satisfying."

Jack took his hands out of his pockets and held them up at chest height.

"I don't want to kill you," he said, "I want to talk to you." Ianto pulled the door closer to his body.

"Well, I don't really feel like talking."

"Well, I don't really care."

Jack pushed past him and entered the apartment. Ianto watched as he took in the lack of decoration and the general state of the place.

"It's a mess" Jack said, "I like it. Kind of suits you. Shows personality. It could use a _little_ sprucing."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "It could use a burning. I haven't spent much time here. What do you want?"

Jack ignored the question, and hung his greatcoat over the back of a chair. He moved a pile of books and sat down. "You need more furniture. And I've never seen someone decorate in boxes and liquor bottles before. It's definitely unique. How long have you lived like this?"

Ianto shut the door and leaned against the wall. "I couldn't say I actually live here. I just pay the rent. What do you _want_?"

Jack stared at him and the silence was almost painful.

"I came to check on you." Jack finally said. "After Suzie killed herself, I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again. I don't break promises easily. I wanted to make sure you were alright."

Ianto snorted. "I'm just fine. Everything's just great. You can leave now."

Jack looked like he was prepared to do no such thing.

"I won't apologize for terminating her," Jack said, "I can't say I'm sorry for doing what had to be done. She wasn't Lisa anymore, she wasn't the woman you loved and I _am_ sorry for that. I'm sorry you were at Canary Wharf, and, in a way, I'm sorry you had to survive it. Nobody can know what it's been like for you. I'm even sorry you thought you could save her, and I'm _really_ sorry you lied to us. But, I'm not sorry for protecting my team. Can you deal with that?"

Ianto stared at him, dumbfounded. "Can I deal with that? Can I deal with the fact you killed her? I'm not stupid, Jack. I saw what she was like at the end. I know there was no hope. All I had _left_ was hope. Everything was taken from me. You're right. No one can know what that's like. I lost everything, and all I had left was hope. And _you_ took that from me. You made me see the truth, and I'll never deal with _that_. So, you might as well Retcon me. Finish the job, _sir_. I have nothing; I am nothing. I can't remember what I was before this, and I don't know what I am now. I don't want to be what's been made of me. So, just finish the job and get this over with."

Jack stood, shaking his head. "No, I'm not gonna give up on you. I will not. I want to help you thru this. I know you're not the boy you were, and you're not the man you would have been. Canary Wharf changed you, but you don't have to stay this way. Ianto let me help you."

Jack tried to touch him, but Ianto pushed him away. "It's too late. It's been too late for a long time. I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't want to hurt anyone." Ianto could feel tears streaming down his face, and he hated that he was crying in front of Jack again. "I don't want an apology." Jack said, "I'm not really ready to accept one. What you did is unbelievable. You've been lying to us, lying to me, since the moment I met you. But, I can't believe everything was a lie. I can't believe the man I saw tonight is the man you really are."

Jack pulled a white tablet out of his pocket, and held it out to him.

"I came here prepared to Retcon you. But, I don't want to. This isn't who you are. You can take it, if you want. I'm not going to stop you. Please, don't. Let me help you." Ianto snatched the pill from him and felt the weight of it in his hand. He could take it and forget Canary Wharf, forget Jack, forget everything. He closed his hand around the pill and met Jack's eyes. "If I don't take this, what happens then?"

Jack shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "Then you come back to work, whenever you're ready, and we try to work thru this."

Ianto shook his head, and felt a sob building in his chest.

"No," he said. "It won't work. How are we ever supposed to trust each other again? How am I supposed to just walk back in there, like nothing happened? The others…they won't let me, sir."

Jack smiled, and moved towards his greatcoat.

"Well," he said, "trust isn't something we ever really had, Ianto. I'd like too work on building some. I'd like to think that we could. As to the others… Tosh cried for you. She thinks we let you down. Gwen doesn't understand, but she's new. She has no idea what Canary Wharf was. She'll come around. Owen… I won't lie to you. He thought I should Retcon you, but he gave me these in case I didn't. He thought you'd need them after what you've been thru." Jack held two bottles out to him, and Ianto took them gingerly. He looked at the labels, and his eyes widened in disbelief.

"Valium and Zoloft? Do you have any idea what these are?"

Jack nodded and said, "they're anti-depression and anti-anxiety medications. The Zoloft won't reach full effectiveness for about two weeks, but the Valium will work immediately. They won't make the pain go away, but they will make it bearable. See, Gwen isn't the only one who knows how to Google." He finished with a smile, but Ianto was to busy staring at the bottles to notice. He took the cap off the Zoloft and shook one of the pills into the hand already holding the Retcon. He felt like Neo in the Matrix, he felt pressured and ridiculous, and he threw the bottles across the floor.

"I can't believe this," he said, "this is how you want to solve the problem? Just drug me until it goes away? Do you have any idea what I've been thru? Do you have any idea how many pills it would take to erase that?"

"Just one," Jack said, moving to pick up the medicine. "Just the one in your hand. You'd wake up in the hospital, you wouldn't remember a thing about Torchwood, or Canary Wharf, or Lisa. You wouldn't remember any of it, and you could live out this rest of your life in ignorant bliss, missing two years of your that nothing will bring back. I don't want it to come to that, because I care about you, much more than you realize, but it's now a question of safety. The safety of my team, and the world has to come first. I'm sorry for what happened to you. But, I can't stand idly by and watch you self-destruct, especially when you tried to bring everybody else down with you. So, it's either take the Retcon, or take the Zoloft. There is no middle ground here, Ianto, not for you. Not anymore."

Ianto opened his hand and stared down at his future. Taking the Retcon would mean forgetting everything, and the Zoloft would mean he'd always, always have to remember. He closed his eyes, and images of dead and screaming friends filled his vision, followed by Lisa as his friends gunned her down. Then he heard her laughter, and saw Jack's smile, and his breathe caught in his throat. Not wanting to forget Lisa, he understood that, but Jack… he found that he didn't want to forget him either. He didn't want to forget the way he teased him, or the way he touched his arm, and Ianto was filled with revulsion at the realization. Still, it was there and it was powerful, and he'd swallowed the Zoloft before he was even aware of it.

"I want to try," he said, "God help me." Jack moved forward carefully, and pulled him into his arms. Ianto didn't push away this time, and he felt Jack smile against his skin.

"Good," Jack said, "I'm glad. Now, you should take a Valium and try to sleep. You can come back to work when you're ready, and I'll check on you everyday until then. And I will always be there if you need me, okay?"

Ianto nodded against his chest, and Jack pressed a chaste kiss to his ear. Ianto shivered, and moved away quickly, not wanting to think about the reaction that kiss had caused. He took the bottles that Jack was once again offering, and swallowed one of the little blue pills that were supposed to take all of his cares away.

"Thank you," he said when he was done, "I really appreciate it. I think I'll get some rest now."

Jack nodded and sat back down in the rooms' one chair.

"Isn't this when the hero makes his exit?" Ianto asked, his tone only half teasing.

"I think I'll stay here until I'm sure you're okay," Jack replied, "for my own state of mind."

"Suit yourself." Ianto said, and left the room without another word.

XxXXxx

Ianto's first thought the next morning was that the Valium really must have some affect, because it was ten-thirty, and he'd slept straight thru the night. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept without waking up at least once, screaming more often than not. He didn't feel exactly refreshed, but he did feel somewhat rested, and after everything, that was something to be grateful for. He stretched, and headed into the living room, intent on making coffee, when the sight that greeted him drew him up short. It wasn't that Jack was still there, wrapped in his greatcoat and sleeping in the chair. He'd suspected that he would be, so he didn't find it surprising. No, it was that sometime in the night, Jack had done his best to tidy the place; picking up the trash, unpacking what he could, neatly stacking what he couldn't out of sight. The apartment still had a long way to go, but it now looked less like a hovel and more like a home. Ianto retreated soundlessly into his bedroom, sat on the edge of his bed and wept. He wept for Lisa, and all the time he'd wasted with her, he wept for what he'd let himself become in her name, he wept everyone who'd died at Canary Wharf. He wept for Jack, for the kindness he'd shown that Ianto didn't deserve, and he wept because he thought he might already be falling in love with him, and that felt like a betrayal to who he'd used to be. Ianto sat and wept for every wrong ever committed in the world, and, unbeknownst to him, Jack sat in the living room and listened, wishing he could make it better.

A/N: I wrote this because I honestly don't see ho someone can get over a trauma like that, that quickly without a little better living thru chemistry. Thanks for reading! Please leave a review, and let me know what you think.


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